Sunday, March 27

Calm down. It's been a rough week.

It's been a rough week.

On Sunday I noticed that my heart was beating quicker than usual-- pounding through my chest as if I had just finished running.

While I hadn't been running physically, I had been running a mental marathon by working several jobs (teaching, tutoring French, writing, and evaluating online advertisements) as well as working on my personal website, and trying to keep up with the online media world all at once.

I worked myself into a tizzy trying to earn enough money to save for all of the expensive things that I want to do in the next couple of months, and noted that my heart problem was a symptom of this over working, so I spent the rest of Sunday reading books and doing yoga to relax.

On Monday morning, the problem had not abated-- actually becoming worse while working in the morning. On my lunch break I called the doctor to make an appointment, and discussed the problem with a nurse. "If this gets any worse you need to go to the ER," she said.

It immediately got worse.

My mom came home from work and drove me to the ER, where the nurses told me that I had suffered a panic attack. As I sat in the hospital bed with several wires stuck to my skin I realized something: For no amount of money am I willing to sacrifice my health. I felt inspired to make a change in my life-- to work less and play more.

But how? The inspiration subsided on my way home from the hospital and I suddenly felt discouraged and depressed. How had I let myself get to this point? What changes do I have to make in my life? How will I ever afford all of the things I want if I work less and play more? These thoughts numbed me for a few days, causing numerous crying spells. I felt like utter crap.

On Wednesday I made a decision with some help from my mom. I decided to quit one of my jobs in order to make more time for myself (the meaning of which I'm still trying to understand). I felt like a failure for not being able to handle my own circumstances, but a sudden realization in the shower (the most inspiring of places) made me feel calm: I don't have to be the best at everything. I don't have to compete with everyone else. I don't have to compare myself to everyone else. What a relief!

So here I am on this Sunday feeling better than ever because I finally feel like I have time to do the things I want to do without worrying about what everyone else is doing.


  1. Court! I'm so happy to hear that you're okay and feeling better! You by no means are a failure. As long as you're happy and do the things that make you happy, your life is exactly what it should be. The weather's supposed to get nice again, go outside, play with Kona, and get ready for a wonderful summer! :)


  2. I have had issues with anxiety my entire life - but it's been really bad for the past 2 years... immediately after I began trying to save the world (metaphorically speaking...) I had to do exactly what you've done - step back, take a look at what I'm doing - and eliminate the things that could be eliminated. Being the "I can take on the world by myself" type of person I am - I of course couldn't eliminate much... It was all far too important! It's been a slow process but my anxiety attacks have lessened and I am starting to get my life in order. Good luck to you!

  3. Bourt, I went through the same thing a couple of weeks ago. I ended up having to drop out of my classes, and made a trip to the doctors as well. I'm trying to figure out what more time for me really means as well, so I really feel you, I'm here for you through this journey, and I love you.

  4. I can so relate, and I definitely empathize with you. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Anxiety is something I've struggled with as well. I always seem to take on too much and don't realize it until I'm at a breaking point. I'm also constantly worrying about everyone else, something that's far from healthy but hard to stop. I'm glad you're feeling better.

    I found you on FTLOB! Nice to meetcha :)

  5. I think you made the right decision, similar things have been happening to me lately and I have also finally come to the realization that I'm not superwoman haha. Go check out a good french novel or movie, pour yourself a nice glass of wine and relax a little bit - you deserve it! :)


    ps popping by from FTLOB - now following :)