It's been a rough week.
On Sunday I noticed that my heart was beating quicker than usual-- pounding through my chest as if I had just finished running.
While I hadn't been running physically, I had been running a mental marathon by working several jobs (teaching, tutoring French, writing, and evaluating online advertisements) as well as working on my personal website, and trying to keep up with the online media world all at once.
On Monday morning, the problem had not abated-- actually becoming worse while working in the morning. On my lunch break I called the doctor to make an appointment, and discussed the problem with a nurse. "If this gets any worse you need to go to the ER," she said.
It immediately got worse.
My mom came home from work and drove me to the ER, where the nurses told me that I had suffered a panic attack. As I sat in the hospital bed with several wires stuck to my skin I realized something: For no amount of money am I willing to sacrifice my health. I felt inspired to make a change in my life-- to work less and play more.
But how? The inspiration subsided on my way home from the hospital and I suddenly felt discouraged and depressed. How had I let myself get to this point? What changes do I have to make in my life? How will I ever afford all of the things I want if I work less and play more? These thoughts numbed me for a few days, causing numerous crying spells. I felt like utter crap.
On Wednesday I made a decision with some help from my mom. I decided to quit one of my jobs in order to make more time for myself (the meaning of which I'm still trying to understand). I felt like a failure for not being able to handle my own circumstances, but a sudden realization in the shower (the most inspiring of places) made me feel calm: I don't have to be the best at everything. I don't have to compete with everyone else. I don't have to compare myself to everyone else. What a relief!
So here I am on this Sunday feeling better than ever because I finally feel like I have time to do the things I want to do without worrying about what everyone else is doing.